my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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