my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
