Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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