I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
