If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
