I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
