the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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