I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We have started to decorate penises.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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