i can't believe i had my finger in that
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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