Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
