Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
