please come you make the beer taste better
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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