I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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