1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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