I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
