You smell like stripper and shame
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
