i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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