I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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