next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
