woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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