im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
