Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
