I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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