I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize