Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
