He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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