My friends, they love my intelligence
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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