Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
