You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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