Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
this just has baby written all over it
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
