i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
