You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
