John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
