I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Randomize
