he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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