The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
