Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
