just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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