So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
