we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
