Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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