Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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