who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
