I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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