yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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