I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize