I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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