he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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