"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
