Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize