Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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