my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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