i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
