just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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