nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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